thank you for contacting us

We’re connecting you with one of our experts, now. Please be patient. Demand for our services has recently increased, and our team is working hard to ensure that our customers have the best experience possible. . . . Xavier: Hello, thank you for contacting us today. Can you please provide me with your account number? [[You: i can’t it. it’s… gone. can you look me up?]]

Please enter your VIP rewards number, now. [[You: 8675309]]

We’re connecting you with one of our experts, now. Please be patient. Demand for our services has recently increased, and our team is working hard to ensure that our customers have the best experience possible. In the meantime, let’s collect some information to help us serve you better. Type your account number now, if you have it. [[You: i don’t know what it is…]]

Thank you for contacting us today! We appreciate your business and we’d love to give you excellent service whenever you decide to [[come back again.]] Until then, please respond to our [[short survey]] to let us know how we did!

Please visit our website for answers to frequently asked questions and enrollment opportunities for individuals wishing to transfer ETE rights through our financial assistance partners. Student loan debt can be a lifelong inhibitor to your standard of living. Is it time to step up and commit to building a better life for yourself and your loved ones? Now, you can leverage the asset of your surviving essence to get a financial boost, and there’s nothing required of you to fulfill the contract until post-mortem deliberations. You don’t have to worry about it! It’s all taken care of, thanks to our new integration with federal assistance programs and most major healthcare networks! [[End]]

Please come back to this page after gathering the appropriate materials. A full list of the required information is available on our website. Thank you and we hope to see you again! Would you like to go back to the main menu? [[Yes]] [[Leave]]

Corey: Hello, thank you for contacting us today, how may I help you? [[You: i need help. there’s not any return policy?]]

Thank you for contacting us. We truly appreciate all of our customers. We maintain this line 24/7 and 365 days a year simply in order to serve you better. This enterprise has been built on the mutual respect we share with clients like you, all over the world. Please take a moment to ensure that you have all of the necessary paperwork and personal identification information ready before we connect you, as this will help us to be better able to efficiently assist you. Do you have this information ready? [[Yes]] [[No/Not sure]]

Please read closely, because our menu options have recently changed. If you would like to speak with our sales department, type [[1]] now. If you need assistance with your account, type [[2]] now. If you have a specific incident to report, type [[3]] now. If you are a VIP rewards member, type [[4]] now. For all other inquiries, type [[5]] now.

You are being connected, now! [[Please wait…]]

Xavier: Can you hold on for just a few minutes for me? I’ll examine your account and get back to you momentarily. [[You: i have nothing left. you have to help me.]]

Xavier: Like, worse than being alive? [[You: much worse]]

Xavier: Alright, can I have your last name and date of birth, please? [[You: thompson. 4-13-1993]]

Xavier: Hold, please. [[You: …]]

Xavier: Is there a co-signer on your account? [[You: i don’t think so]]

Corey: No, unfortunately, we do not offer any form of return or refund policy at this time. If you need assistance with your account, I can direct you to the accounts department! [[You: ok]]

Would you like to be directed to the ACCOUNTS department, now? [[Yes]] [[Leave]]

Xavier: …is typing… [[You: hello?]]

Xavier: Just out of curiosity, how does it feel? [[You: hurts…]]

Would you like to go back to the main menu? [[Yes]] [[No]]

Xavier: Damn. Then, why did you do it? [[You: please cancel the account. please.]]

Xavier: Transferring you to Cancellations, now. I hope your day gets better! [[You: pain like searing knives ripping the fibers of my soul to shreds… pain like nowhere, like never]]

Would you like to be directed to the CANCELLATIONS department, now? [[Yes]] [[Leave]] [[End]]

We’re sorry, but all of our experts are currently assisting other customers. You will be connected as soon as an expert becomes available. [[You: the night has teeth. it’s all around but i can’t see it. the sounds in the dark. the others, they…]]

You are now connected! Kari: Hello, thank you for contacting us today. Did you have a specific incident to report? [[You: i didn’t know what i was signing up for…]]

Kari: Ok, sir, if you’d like to discuss your account with someone, I’m happy to transfer you. However, this department only deals with reports of specific incidents. We require a date, time, location, and duration in order to process reports of trans-liminal disruptions and we can only afford to send personnel to investigate legitimate and significant incidents. Did you have a specific incident to report? [[You: what if it is an incident that hasn’t happened yet?]]

Kari: That’s not out of the ordinary for us. Do you have a specific date, time, location and duration at which the incident will have occurred? [[You: i just need to get out of this. where can i go?]]

Kari: It’s really not my area of expertise, sir. I understand that you’re having some trouble adjusting to your new lifestyle. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience, and we’d like to help you however we can. Would you like me to connect you with an expert who can help you find resources to actualize your newfound potential? [[You: make it stop…]]

Kari: Thank you for contacting us today, sir. Please let us know if there’s anything else we can do to assist you, and if you wouldn’t mind, please let us know how we’re doing by responding to the short survey on the next screen. [[Leave]] [[End]]

Thank you for contacting us today! We truly appreciate your business and we hope to continue giving you excellent service every time you reach out to us. We would appreciate if you’d take the time to read and answer a few quick questions about your experience today. First, did we solve your issue, or provide the information you were looking for? [[You: lightless fury slicing thought forever]]

INVALID ENTRY. PLEASE REVIEW YOUR INFORMATION AND TRY AGAIN. YOUR VIP REWARDS NUMBER IS 8 DIGITS LONG AND CAN BE FOUND ON YOUR VIP REWARDS CUSTOMER PORTAL OR ON YOUR MONTHLY STATEMENT. [[You: 86753091]]

Thank you for contacting us. We truly appreciate all of our customers, and we maintain this line 24/7 and 365 days a year simply in order to serve you better. This enterprise has been built on the mutual respect we share with clients like you, all over the world. Please take a moment to ensure that you have all of the necessary paperwork and personal identification information ready before we connect you, as this will help us to be better able to efficiently assist you. Do you have this information ready? [[Yes]] [[No/Not sure]] [[End]]

That’s okay! Our expert can look you up by your last name or Social Security number, as well. Can you please provide us with a brief description of the inquiry you’d like to make? [[You: the suffocating cloth of emptiness ripples around me. i cannot breathe but my being is wracked with heaves and gasps and splintering wheezes]]

You are now connected! . . . Stanley: Hello, thank you for contacting us today. What is the nature of your inquiry today? [[You: need escape…]]

Stanley: Do you have your account number? [[You: timeless ages of dying meaning…lost…lost…]]

Stanley: You’re saying you’ve lost your account number? [[You: i used to be like you. i used to breathe air and now all the atmosphere is spite and loneliness…]]

Stanley: I see. Can I have your last name and date of birth? [[You: 4-13-1993. thompson]]

Stanley: Thank you. And how can I help you today? Are you needing some assistance using the service, or are you looking to upgrade? [[You: no… no!]]

Stanley: Ok, can you clarify for me what exactly your inquiry is about? [[You: escape… rest… no more…]]

Stanley: Ahh. It sounds like you’re having some issues with adjusting to your new lifestyle? [[You: the dark calls… there is nothing after]]

Stanley: Thank you for reaching out. Is the issue something to do with the contract itself? I’m happy to refresh you on the relevant details if it helps! [[You: endless… the barren waste of malice]]

Stanley: Stellar! Let’s get started. Stanley: It looks like you signed up for our Silver Tier plan in 2021, is that right? [[You: AAAAAAHHHRRRRGGGHH]]

Stanley: Well then, I can clear up the terms of that agreement for you: Stanley: The Silver Tier agreement is the contract of liability and transfer for the rights to the extra-temporal essence (ETE) of the User, which is purchased herein by the RXS Corporation Holdings Organization. The User hereby grants, assigns, and transfers all rights, title, and interest in and to their ETE to RXS Holdings for the duration of ETE solvency, subject to the terms and conditions set forth herein. Stanley: The User shall not, under any circumstances, attempt to revoke, reclaim, or otherwise interfere with the ETE or its solvency once transferred to RXS Holdings. In accordance with the terms herein, the User shall indemnify and hold the Owner harmless from any and all claims, liabilities, damages, or losses arising out of or in connection with RXS Holdings' exercise of its rights under this agreement. [[You: i didn’t know it would feel like this. take the money and let me rest…]]

Stanley: RXS acknowledges receipt of the ETE and agrees to accept responsibility for its management, utilization, and exploitation in perpetuity. The ETE shall perform without hesitation or remonstration all tasks, duties, and exigencies decreed or delegated by RXS Holdings or its representatives. Users hereby indemnify and hold harmless RXS Holdings, its officers, directors, employees, and agents from any and all claims arising from or related to the ETE transfer, including but not limited to extinguishment or resale of the ETE. Stanley: RXS Holdings shall not be held liable for any damages or impediment incurred as a result of ETE transfer. By accessing or using our services, Users agree to all terms of service herein and henceforth. Stanley: RXS Holdings reserves the exclusive right to approve or deny any and all cancellation, revocation, alteration, or waiver of ETE transfer, fund disbursal, and beneficiary eligibility. Stanley: Does that answer your question? [[You: recursive crush of falling scraping across me…]]

Stanley: Oh, good. So glad I could help out today. Is there anything else we can do for you? [[You: only oblivion, only true death…]]

Stanley: Well, don’t we all? Ha! You have a nice day, now, and don’t forget to fill out our [[short survey]] to let us know how we did!

Excellent! And secondly, did we provide you with a high-quality and timely customer séance today? [[You: it won’t stop, won’t ever]]

Thank you so much for your valuable input and your time. Please contact us again if you need additional assistance! Is there anything else I can help you with? [[Yes]] [[No]]

“Thank you for contacting us” was written and created by Sean Monett, in April 2024. It is his first work of interactive fiction. You can read his novel, Your Brain Has Fleas, for free on seanmonett.com.